Five questions I asked myself during this year’s Oscars

I don’t know what the rest of you did last Sunday, but being a film fanatic and an avid pop culture collector, I did what every self-respecting fan of Hollywood would do: I put on my vintage flannel pyjamas (designed by none other than Mr. La Senza himself – glamorous? Not so much. Comfortable? You bet!) and prepared to spend the next four hours watching the year’s biggest party.

First the good stuff: I never thought Hugh Jackman to be that sexy, but I’ve now changed my mind. The man can dance, sing and tell a joke like nobody’s business. I loved him! Tina Fey and Steve Martin were also gold. They should co-host next year and bring the house down. The idea to have past Oscar winners presenting to current Oscar contenders was a nice, classy touch and it was a great way of paying tribute to the past generation of actors. “Slumdog Millionnaire” director Danny Boyle finally got the recognition that has eluded him since “Trainspotting” and “Shallow Grave”, proving that all you have to do is keep making good films and keep having your actors wade through excrement or disgusting toilet bowls and vindication will finally be yours.

Throughout the night, though, a few questions kept nagging at me and I wanted to share them with you:

1). Why did the camera keep cutting back and forth between Angelina Jolie’s expression and Jennifer Aniston’s on-stage presentation? Were they trying to catch Angelina making a face, displaying obvious hostility, smirking at Jennifer’s delivery? Had I accidentally switched stations and was now watching an episode of “Gossip Girl”? Grow up, people and stop looking for constant clues that a catfight between these two is going to break out at any moment! Angelina is just too exhausted with the 82 kids she and Benjamin Button have adopted to be starting any fights and Jennifer is too busy getting together and breaking up with John “Your Body is a Wonderland” Mayer to even care. Sorry.

2) Why do they like to drag this annual ceremony out for soooooo long? Don’t get me wrong; I love the Oscars! I love the glamour, the gossip, the fashion and the silly mishaps, but can’t we keep the focus on the real stars? I don’t really care to listen to some set guy go on and on about the years of backbreaking labour it took him to create the final product that we see on screen. Set Guy, I can appreciate your enthusiasm and dedication to your craft; I know that you too deserve your moment in the sun, but if I wanted to spend my valuable time listening to some nerd devoid of all charm elaborate on matters I don’t consider interesting I would have joined the debate club in high school. This is the Oscars! I want to see glamour and glitz! I don’t want to see an acceptance speech by someone who rivals my accountant in star quality. Sorry.

3) What the hell was up with Sean Penn? The man is the epitome of serious acting. He’s temperamental, passionate, mysterious and the one voted most likely to go off on a paparazzi. I really liked his emotional and stirring acceptance speech when he won the Oscar for best male performance. I’m pretty sure he almost cried. Or maybe he was just squinting. You can never tell with these Actor’s Studio thespians… But, am I the only one who noticed that he didn’t thank his lovely wife Robin Wright Penn (of “Princess Bride” fame) and mother of his children? I mean, I know the man self-admittedly proclaimed that “he doesn’t make it easy for others to appreciate him” but can he not lay off on the curmudgeonly attitude at least until the Oscars are over? When his name was announced and she tried to give him a congratulatory kiss he practically shoved her over in his frantic attempt to get to the podium! Harvey Milk would NOT be impressed. Sorry.

4) Why did it seem like the Oscars were catering to the pre-teens this year? I know times are tough and we’re in a recession and Hollywood must certainly be feeling it too, but the Oscars must remain about excellence. There should be no room for silly “High School Musical” numbers during the Oscars with teen heart-throbs Zach Efron and Vanessa Hudgens parading around in high tops and tuxedoes. Buzz Luhrhmann, what were you thinking? First “Australia” and now this? That musical number was awkward and unnecessary and just plain painful to watch. Sorry.

5) This question is post-Oscars. Has anyone heard the new and improved version of “Jai-Ho” the song from “Slumdog Millionaire”? They apparently took the original song and remixed it with the help of the Pussycat Dolls and now there’s a sexier and slicker version of “Jai-Ho” on the airwaves. Think about this for a minute; this is a song featured in a movie that has eye gouging, slums, poverty, rape and all kinds of misfortune and misery befall our heroes and yet the Pussycat Dolls are about to turn it into a Top 40 dance hit. Is there nothing sacred? Curse you, Pussycat Dolls and your knack for creating awesome dance music! And curse me and my inability to sit still when it comes on the radio. That song is hoppin! Sorry.

Till next year’s Oscars…