Hopelessly in love with The Bachelor

Here’s the funny thing. I’m an educated, spunky, highly independent woman who has things to do and places to be. My ego is healthy enough that I won’t even place myself in a situation where I would have to compete for some man’s attention. If a guy has no time for me, I generally don’t have time for him.

So why, please tell me why, do I waste my Monday nights watching a dumb reality TV show where 25 women compete for the affections of an (allegedly) eligible bachelor? And why do I insist on text messaging my sister in Toronto during the show (who is also watching) to comment on every decision, every cat fight, every dramatic pause each week at 9 p.m. sharp?

And that’s not where it ends. Following my play-by-play running commentary on the show (Don Cherry’s got nothing on me), I usually find myself on Facebook discussing the aftermath of the show with one of my friends in San Francisco who catches free episodes of The Bachelor online a few days later. Amy (yes, it’s her real name; if I’m exposing myself as a trashy TV addict, I’m taking her down too) will usually leave me bewildered messages on Facebook, like “What the heck happened there?” typically punctuated with a long series of question marks to illustrate her amazement and overall disgust with the outcome of this week’s episode. I usually respond with just as many exclamation marks needed to communicate my point. This is serious, people! Hearts are on the line!

I don’t exactly know what it is about The Bachelor that has made this reality show stand out so much from the usual bag of silly reality shows littering the TV landscape. There’s no doubt that it appeals to the voyeuristic part of human nature; the part that likes to peek through living room curtains and see what our neighbours are doing; the part that enables shows like TMZ to thrive.

But it’s more than just that. Reality shows like The Bachelor, Amazing Race and Survivor, reveal what people can be like under extreme circumstances. It’s fascinating to see what people do when they’re pushed to the limits or competing for something they covet – whether it’s $1 M or the man of their dreams. It’s basic human psychology on display and it’s riveting to have it on play out on primetime TV. We can’t get enough of it.

Deep down we know that the odds of The Bachelor finding true love are as likely as host Chris Harrison succeeding – for once -- to conceal his smirk of smug self-satisfaction at actually landing this sweet-paying deal for doing nothing other than pretending to be concerned about everyone’s well-being. His job consists of moving things along, by uttering platitudes like “Please take a moment to say your ‘goodbyes’”, which is usually the cue for the women, who just moments before were vying for the same man, to hug and pretend they are best friends. Come on! I know I’m watching The Bachelor here, but my BS detector is still solid enough to smell fake nicety for the benefit of the cameras. I’d much rather they parted ways in the same bitchy fashion they conducted themselves while in heated competition for their man’s affections.

The show is currently in its 13th season and yet, from what I can remember, only one or two real love matches were made, which really doesn’t lend the show any credibility as a bona fide matchmaking service. While plenty of bended knee proposals and teary-eyed acceptances have taken place over the years, most matches haven’t stood the test of time.

Remember Andrew Firestone, Jesse Palmer, Dr. Travis Stork, Prince Lorenzo Borghese? I know…. Just reciting these names makes me want to take a shower; I feel so dirty to have become obsessed with a show that feeds us stories of princes and financial heirs and Navy Seals with a perfect six-pack, but I’m obsessed, I tell you!

At the end, none of these men found lasting love with the show. In fact, most of them are still real-life bachelors. And now we’re weeks away from finding out who single dad Jason Mesnick will give the final rose to. He already sent Canadian (and may I add, potential Bachelorette candidate) Jill home and now the race is between cold-fish Molly and doe-eyed Melissa and I’m emotionally torn, although I’m pretty sure neither Molly nor Melissa give a damn about what I think of them. Ok, maybe Melissa does. She seems to suffer from low self-esteem…

If one were to base the outcome on the past 12 seasons of The Bachelor, I’d say the odds are not in Jason’s favour, but I wish him luck. At the end of the day, no matter how we find it, we’re all just looking for love. Personally, and maybe it’s a bit hypocritical of me considering how hooked I am on this show, I just don’t want Chris Harrison standing in the wings when I find it.